


The Skeleton and the Goddess

by neroli9



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: F/M, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Scientist Sans, Shameless Wish Fulfillment, Slow Burn, Unfinished, explicit sex toward the end of the story, in which you are literally the deus ex machina, limited sans POV, plot holes, poorly written canon characters, reader is female, so if you are reading this for the smut you are going to be disappointed, the exact same setup as roughly fifty thousand other other undertale fics, this is a melodramatic uneven mess of a first draft so keep your expectations low
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-04
Updated: 2019-12-04
Packaged: 2021-02-25 23:53:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,618
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21673999
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neroli9/pseuds/neroli9
Summary: You’ve lost so much, you have no determination left by the time you wind up underground. But you’re still Sans’ best hope to learn about what happened in the last timeline… and you may be the key to breaking the cycle once and for all.From the author ofA Puzzle Just For Me, this is the unfinished rough draft of my first Undertale fanfic. I’m posting it for APJFM fans who would like to meet the first version of Sans that I ever wrote, and who are curious about my writing process. Please note that nothing in this fic should be taken as canon for APJFM: the two stories are entirely unrelated.If you like explicit sex scenes, twisty plots and tons of feels, check outA Puzzle Just For Me, a BDSM mob!sans self-insert story. Please mind the tags.I can be found atneroli9.tumblr.comor at theAPJFM Discord, which is only for fans who are 18 or over.
Relationships: Sans/Reader
Kudos: 24





	The Skeleton and the Goddess

**Author's Note:**

> FYI, the original title of this was "Untitled Wish-Fulfillment Self-Insert Goofiness That Devolves Into Random Sex Scenes After Like 300 Pages Of Dialogue and Three Different Timelines." Just so you know what you're getting into. 
> 
> I was captivated by Sans, and started writing self-insert fanfiction with him, before I ever played Undertale. I came to the game through a Tumblr post discussing the hidden aspects of the game: Sans' knowledge of the resets, Gaster, the fact that a completed Genocide run would change the game permanently. I'm a complete sucker for hidden parts of games, and I was fascinated. I read and watched some Let's Plays, although the bullet hell play style intimidated me too much to play the game at first.
> 
> If I can't sleep, I'll try telling myself a story, often about myself in a favorite game or fantasy world. When I was a kid, these could get quite elaborate, but I didn't start writing them down until I was older. Before I discovered that self-insert fanfiction was a thing, I would write in third person with a transparently reader-insert main character. When I slipped into a severe depressive episode and started to become obsessed with Undertale, I started telling myself a story where I was in Frisk's place, then decided to write it down. Before I got too far into it, I found that there was a whole genre of stories like that, but the convention was to write them in second person. Rather tickled to find that I'm not the only one with this particular desire, I edited my story and continued on.
> 
> It's straight-forward wish fulfillment, with the same plot as hundreds of other Sans/Reader fics: Reader falls underground, makes friends with Toriel, then Sans, Papyrus and the whole town of Snowdin, saves the Underworld, then gets to know Sans on the surface. I wrote big chunks of it quickly and sloppily so that I could get to the sex scenes. Then, as with APJFM, I became more interested in the characters than the sex, and I went back and expanded the parts that I'd skipped over. As I learned more about the characters besides Sans, I went back and gave it more structure... because, as you may know if you’re familiar with APJFM, I just don't know when to quit. So, essentially, this was written backwards -- or rather, quickly to the end, then slowly towards the beginning.
> 
> I'm posting this story as-is: unedited, unfinished and full of plot holes. It is melodramatic, poorly characterized and frequently goofy, but I love it despite its flaws. But do be aware it's not on the same level as APJFM. 
> 
> APJFM fans will be able to make connections between that work and this one. I consider this Sans to be my introduction to that Sans, and many of the interactions between him and Reader will be familiar.

You arrived in the Ruins a mess, and meeting a murderous flower didn't help your state of mind.

"Well, well. This is new," it says. "You're defective, aren't you? Hardly any determination whatsoever. But you're still strong enough to usurp my powers... There's just one solution to that."

He rings you with bullets, laughing as they close in on you. But a blast of fire scatters them...

You and Toriel became close quickly. You thought you were too old to be mothered, but somehow it was what you needed right then, and you liked the Ruins, with its funny frogs and talking rocks. (It would be months until you saw that flower again, though.) She asked you not to leave, and you listened. You'd had enough of the harshness of the world, above ground or below.

You became friends with the monsters, walking the ruins with a portion of the mastery Toriel commanded and singing songs to them. The two of you shared stories of the human world and the monster world and created happy memories together. As you healed, you opened up to her, telling her about the family you’d loved and lost. In return, she opened up to you. She had been a queen, and she'd lost her sons and left her husband. She and the other monsters were trapped underground, and she longed to see the sun. She'd seen others, humans like yourself but younger, fall like you -- then leave the Ruins only to find death, and she mourned them. And finally, she confided the greatest secret: seven human souls could open the barrier. That's why she didn't want you to leave: she feared you held the last one that was needed, and that it would be taken from you.

But if you had so much power as a human, couldn't you open the barrier without giving up your soul? You made the argument so well that she couldn't help but wonder herself. She shared with you books that she'd hidden away, about monsters and humans. It wasn't enough: you wanted more information. So it came to pass that you watched over the Ruins for a few days, making the rounds followed by the monsters that had become your friends, while she took the unprecedented step of leaving the Ruins.

(She meets Sans. She knows him by his voice, and they feel quite friendly towards each other -- until he guesses her secret by the contents of the books she's taking. He warns her not to let you leave, and she defends you, citing your kind character. She tries to get him to promise to watch over you, if you ever leave. He promises to do quite the opposite. They part on decidedly bad terms.)

She was grave when she returned, but she had information for you. The two of you studied, and planned, and wondered. Time passed pleasantly with your adopted monster mom and your ruins.

And then she got sick. She preferred to be the caretaker, not the object of care, and she wrote it off as nothing, nothing, until she couldn't leave her bed. You tried to nurse her back to health, but nothing helped. You sensed she was hiding something from you, and finally she told you: there was medicine for her condition, but it was in the Capital. To save her, you would have to leave. And if you left, you could be killed.

You were willing to take the risk. You couldn't just let her die, knowing you could have saved her if you had more courage. With great reluctance, she gives you a key, and she asks you to say something when you leave the Ruins.

You unlock the door. Standing on the threshold, you say loudly, "Toriel's very sick. I'm going to the Capital to get medicine for her. I'll come back as soon as I can."

Nothing happens. Why she felt you had to announce that to an empty forest, you didn't really know. Taking a few steps forward, you notice a glint from the bushes. A camera? How empty is this forest, anyway?

The forest was eerily quiet as you walked down the path. You saw a stick that looked like it could be a good walking stick, but somehow, it was too heavy to even pick up. So there was a bad feeling in the pit of your stomach when you heard a loud crack and looked back to see it broken in two places. Wrapping Toriel's shawl around you a little bit tighter, you continued on, with the most disconcerting feeling of being followed.

Then, something behind you addresses you.

"Human."

You stop suddenly, your muscles tense. The shawl doesn't seem to protect against the cold.

"Turn around."

You couldn't disobey the command if you tried. You turn around, and involuntarily take a few steps back, your eyes wide. You're facing a living skeleton, shorter than you, with wide, blank eye sockets and a wide grin. He doesn't say anything. Tamping down your feelings of fright as best as you can, you stammer, "I -- I'm -- I'm sorry. I thought everyone would look like Toriel. I di-didn't expect --"

"a skeleton?" he says. His tone is lighter now, somehow, and his eyes feel marginally less forbidding, with tiny points of light inside that you hadn't noticed before.

"Yes, exactly, I nearly jumped out of my skin!"

Is it your imagination, or is the grin a little more genuine now?

He pads around you in slippers, incongruous puffballs over bony feet. Sizing you up. 

"so you're toriel's friend. heard you've made yourself popular in the ruins."

You just nod. He's coming closer to you, his hands in his pockets, the fluffy hood of his coat around where his ears would be. He looks at you as if he's making a decision. Then he extends his hand. "welcome to the underworld."

You shake it. There's a tremendous fart noise.

Now you can tell that his grin is friendly. "heheh... the old whoopee-cushion in the hand trick. it's ALWAYS funny."

You can't help but laugh too. But some instinct tells you that you've cheated death, and you feel a little light-headed.

"i'm sans. sans the skeleton." 

You tell him your name, and he tilts his head to the side. "odd name. anyhow, i'm supposed to be capturing you, but... that sounds like work."

He's close enough to you that he could wrap his bony fingers around your wrists. Or your neck, for that matter. You remember that broken stick and feel anxious. But you don't contradict him.

"Can you tell me how to get to the Capital, please?"

"the capital? good luck with that. my brother will catch you first." He gestures down the lane. "i think he's coming now. quick, hide behind that conveniently-shaped lamp."

Up ahead in a clearing is what can only be described as a conveniently-shaped lamp. You tuck yourself behind it. He's got to be kidding me, you think. From behind the lamp, you can see a much taller skeleton walking down the path. Sans calls out to him.

"sup, bro?"

"YOU KNOW WHAT 'SUP,' BROTHER! IT'S BEEN EIGHT DAYS AND YOU STILL HAVEN'T... RECALIBRATED. YOUR. PUZZLES! YOU JUST HANG AROUND OUTSIDE YOUR STATION! WHAT ARE YOU EVEN DOING?!?"

"staring at this lamp. it's really cool. do you wanna look?" Sans looks right over at the lamp and winks at you. Does he _want_ to give you away? But the taller skeleton doesn't even glance at it. 

"NO!! I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THAT! WHAT IF A HUMAN COMES THROUGH HERE!?! I WANT TO BE READY!!! I WILL BE THE ONE! I MUST BE THE ONE! I WILL CAPTURE A HUMAN! THEN I, THE GREAT PAPYRUS... WILL GET ALL THE THINGS I UTTERLY DESERVE! RESPECT... RECOGNITION... I WILL FINALLY BE ABLE TO JOIN THE ROYAL GUARD! PEOPLE WILL ASK TO, BE MY, 'FRIEND?' I WILL BATHE IN A SHOWER OF KISSES EVERY MORNING."

"hmm..." Sans says, looking right at you. "maybe this lamp will help you." He grins knowingly at you. You feel yourself turning red, and you narrow your eyes at him. He's fucking with you!

"SANS!! YOU ARE NOT HELPING!! YOU LAZYBONES!! ALL YOU DO IS SIT AND BOONDOGGLE! YOU GET LAZIER AND LAZIER EVERY DAY!!!"

"hey, take it easy. i've gotten a ton of work done today. a skele-ton."

He looks inordinately pleased with himself.

"SANS!!!"

"come on. you're smiling."

"I AM AND I HATE IT! SIGH... WHY DOES SOMEONE AS GREAT AS ME... HAVE TO DO SO MUCH JUST TO GET SOME RECOGNITION..."

"wow, sounds like you're really working yourself... down to the bone."

Again, the pleased grin.

"UGH!!! I WILL ATTEND TO MY PUZZLES... AS FOR YOUR WORK? PUT A LITTLE MORE, 'BACKBONE' INTO IT!!!! NYEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE!!!"

He walked away, then suddenly turned back and grinned. "HEH!" Then he was gone.

"ok, you can come out now," Sans called to you. You step away from the conveniently-shaped lamp. You look back over at it, then at him, and smile.

"Now that I'm not hiding anymore... I guess you could say I'm de-lighted."

He looks at you incredulously, then laughs. "good one... sheds some light on your personality."

"You didn't know humans could be so... light-hearted?"

He smirks. "right. maybe i've been taking you too... lightly."

"Then this has been an... illuminating conversation, hasn't it?"

"you win, you win," he says, staggering backwards in mock defeat. "you and my brother are going to get along fine."

"But doesn't he want to catch me?"

"don't worry, kid. he's not dangerous. i'll be up ahead."

He headed back the way he'd come. "Who are you calling a --" you start to call out. But he's gone.

He must know a shortcut, you decide. Shame he didn't share it with you, you think as you continue to trudge through the snow, passing a sentry station empty of everything except for bottles of condiments.

You're so distracted by the odd encounter that you're taken by surprise, and your soul is pulled outside your body. It's happened to you before, of course -- several times in the ruins, before you gained the trust of the creatures there. You're scared that the monsters out here will be more awful, but you figure this one out quickly: it just wants an audience for its jokes. You file some away for the next time you meet those skeletons. Another one slinks away when you ignore it. Toriel had been so worried, but you start to think you can handle this.

You turn a corner, and the skeletons are there, talking with each other. 

"SO, AS I WAS SAYING ABOUT UNDYNE," Papyrus is saying. Then they look at you, then back at each other, back and forth until they look dizzy. "SANS!! OH MY GOD!! IS THAT...A HUMAN?!?!?!?!" 

Sans looks at you, his expression impassive. "uhhh... actually, i think that's a rock." Confused, you look behind you. Yes, there's a rock in the path behind you.

"OH," Papyrus says, deflating.

"hey, what's that in front of the rock?" Sans says, his manner casual.

Papyrus does a double take. "OH MY GOD!!!" Then he leans over, whispering "IS... IS THAT A HUMAN?"

Sans whispers back "yes."

Papyrus does a little jumping dance, saying "OH MY GOD!!! SANS! I FINALLY DID IT!! UNDYNE WILL... I'M GONNA... I'LL BE SO... POPULAR!!! POPULAR!!! POPULAR!!! ...*AHEM*" He turns to you, suddenly all dignity. "HUMAN! YOU SHALL NOT PASS THIS AREA! I, THE GREAT PAPYRUS, WILL STOP YOU!!! I WILL THEN CAPTURE YOU! YOU WILL BE DELIVERED TO THE CAPITAL! THEN... THEN!!! I'M NOT SURE WHAT'S NEXT. IN ANY CASE! CONTINUE... ONLY IF YOU DARE! NYEH HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH!!!"

"I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I can't be captured today," you answer politely. "I need to find some medicine for Toriel. She's very sick."

"OH! TORIEL... TORIEL... IS THAT...?" He looks at his brother. There's something uncomfortable about the smaller skeleton's expression.

"yes, we met her a few months ago."

"YOU ARGUED WITH HER."

"something about her... got my goat." Sans grinned, but you can tell he's still trying to cover up some awkward feeling. 

"THAT ONE WAS AWFUL," Papyrus said, groaning.

"In any case," you continue, "I have to go now. If I can't get that medicine, she'll surely die."

Papyrus looked at you worriedly. "OH DEAR! IF I LET YOU GO, I RUIN MY CHANCES OF JOINING THE ROYAL GUARD. UNDYNE WOULD NEVER TRUST ME AGAIN!" He held his hands over his skull, moaning "I'LL LANGUISH AS A SENTRY FOREVER AND EVER..." He regarded you, and his expression was soft. "BUT IF I CAPTURE YOU, YOU CANNOT HELP YOUR FRIEND. THERE WOULD BE TRAGEDY! AND IT WOULD ALL BE MY FAULT!!! WHAT TO DO? WHAT TO DO?" He looks over at his brother, who shrugs. 

"you'd better give her a chance, papyrus."

Papyrus cheers up. "WELL SAID! I, THE GREAT PAPYRUS, AM NOTHING IF NOT CHIVALROUS AND FAIR-MINDED. HUMAN! YOU SHALL HAVE YOUR CHANCE TO SLIP MY IRON GRIP AND CONTINUE YOUR JOURNEY. BUT FIRST! YOU MUST MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH A DREADSOME GAUNTLET OF... PUZZLES!"

Puzzles? You like the sound of that.

"AND THEN! SHOULD YOU OVERCOME THE TRIBULATIONS I SHALL SET IN FRONT OF YOU..."

"You'll let me go?"

"WE SHALL ENGAGE IN MORTAL COMBAT! THE WILL OF THE VICTOR WILL REIGN SUPREME!"

That doesn't sound so good. But Sans looks at you, and winks. You step forward, your hand over your heart.

"A-All right. Great Papyrus, I accept your challenge! I won't back down, for the sake of my friend and for my honor!"

He nearly dances with excitement. "WELL SAID, HUMAN! COME! I HAVE PREPARED THE FIRST IN A SERIES OF PUNISHING PUZZLES FOR YOU." He all but hops away. Sans regards you in that calculating way.

"it's like you knew just what to say."

"Thanks," you say, although you are not entirely sure it was a compliment. "I didn't know you knew Toriel."

"we've met," he answers shortly. "she had a lot to say about you."

"She's been a good friend to me," you answer. A little uneasily, remembering his awkward expression earlier. "I'm sorry you don't get along, but if you got to know her, I think you'd like her."

He only shrugs. "then you'd better get that medicine. see you up ahead."

He walks back the way you came. The contrast is so ostentatious that you wonder if he wants you to remark on how odd his movements are.

You pass a sentry station, more slapdash than the other one. There's some narration on it - it was evidently made by Papyrus. Then, there's a real one - and a menacing sentry dog.

Well, you know how to deal with dogs. You pet it, and can go along your way. 

Sans is waiting for you at the clearing up ahead. "hey, here's something important to remember," he tells you. "my brother has a very special attack. if you see a blue attack, don't move and it won't hurt you. here's an easy way to keep it in mind. imagine a stop sign. when you see a stop sign, you stop, right? stop signs are red. so imagine a blue stop sign instead. simple, right? when fighting, think about blue stop signs."

"Clear as mud," you say with a grin.

"not much of a fighter?"

"Not at all, really. But I'll try to remember."

"you'll be fine," he assures you.

There's a patch of ice ahead of you, and you slip on your ass, your skirt flaring out around your knees. Why did someone put the sign in the middle of the patch of ice? Furthermore, why is the sign so useless? You look sidelong back over at Sans, who is whistling innocently. 

Papyrus, up ahead, is standing at the other side of a large patch of snow that's cordoned off. Sans is next to him, and you regret you didn't get to watch the smaller skeleton slipping across the ice.

Papyrus is saying "YOU'RE SO LAZY! YOU WERE NAPPING ALL NIGHT!!"  
Sans replies, "i think that's called... sleeping."  
Papyrus growls, "EXCUSES, EXCUSES!"

They both look over at you. There's an eager glint in Papyrus' eyes. "OH-HO! THE HUMAN ARRIVES! IN ORDER TO STOP YOU... MY BROTHER AND I HAVE CREATED SOME PUZZLES! I THINK YOU WILL FIND THIS ONE... QUITE SHOCKING! FOR YOU SEE, THIS IS THE INVISIBLE... ELECTRICITY MAZE WHEN YOU TOUCH THE WALLS OF THIS MAZE, THIS ORB WILL ADMINISTER A HEARTY ZAP!" He holds up a crystal orb, posing dramatically. "SOUND LIKE FUN??? BECAUSE! THE AMOUNT OF FUN YOU WILL PROBABLY HAVE, IS ACTUALLY RATHER SMALL I THINK. OK, YOU CAN GO AHEAD NOW."

You get the sense Papyrus hasn't thought this one all the way through. You carefully touch the edge of the maze with your foot, and he's jolted with a cartoonish shock. He turns to his brother, yelling "SANS!!! WHAT DID YOU DO?!?!"

"i think the human has to hold the orb," Sans says.

Papyrus looks sheepish as he says "OH, OKAY." He carefully walks through the maze, leaving footprints in the safe part. Your eyes meet Sans', and he grins. "HOLD THIS PLEASE!" Papyrus says, tossing the ball to you before returning to the other side. "OKAY, TRY NOW!"

Holding the orb, you match Papyrus' footprints and pass through without so much as a zap.

"INCREDIBLE! YOU SLIPPERY SNAIL! YOU SOLVED IT SO EASILY... TOO EASILY! HOWEVER! THE NEXT PUZZLE WILL NOT BE EASY! IT IS DESIGNED BY MY BROTHER, SANS! YOU WILL SURELY BE CONFOUNDED! I KNOW I AM! NYEH HEH HEH HEH!!" Papyrus heads along the trail, a swing in his step.

This does worry you a bit. Somehow you think Sans could make up a more dangerous puzzle than Papyrus could. But he's grinning as you approach him. "hey, thanks... my brother seems like he's having fun."

"Good," you answer.

"by the way, did you see that weird outfit he's wearing? we made that a few weeks ago for a costume party. he hasn't worn anything else since... keeps calling it his 'battle body.' man... isn't my brother cool?"

"Yeah," you agree, smiling. "I didn't expect I'd actually like someone so hell-bent on capturing me for personal glory. But he's adorable. What did you wear for the party?" you ask.

"oh, me? i went as a skeleton sentry."

"But..."

"see you at the next puzzle."

He walks away, and when you turn to see him go, he's gone.

There's a food stand up ahead, selling ice cream, or rather 'nice cream.' Surrounded by snow, it feels a little less than appealing, but you're curious about monster treats, so you buy some.

You kick a snowball through a field into a hole. A flag popped up - green, and read "Your care and concern for "Ball" brought you a delicious victory." 

"That makes no sense," you say to yourself. "But maybe that's par for the course."

Those two are rubbing off on you.

As a matter of fact, you see Sans, watching you from the edge of the course. 

"i've been thinking about selling treats too. want some fried snow? it's just 5G."

You raise your eyebrows. "Sure."

"did i say 5G? i meant 50G."

Grinning, you repeat "Sure."

"really? how about 5,000G?"

You look at him incredulously, and he grins.

"50,000G. that's my final offer."

You laugh. "You know I don't have that kind of money."

"what? you don't? hey, that's okay. i don't have any snow."

"That's fine," you say, scooping up some snow and packing it together. "I do!" You toss the snowball at him, laughing. His hand moves to block it and it falls apart in a burst of snow. He had moved so quickly that you're startled, and for a moment, you wonder if he misinterpreted your intentions and step backward. Then he grins wickedly and throws a snowball back at you. By the end of the snowball fight, he's got the better of you, but you haven't seen that blindingly-fast blocking move again. 

"All right, all right, I give up," you say, flopping backwards onto the snow. "You win."

"don't start a snowball fight you can't win, kid," he said, joining you on the ground. 

"Hey, I got some good hits in on you!"

"i was out of practice. haven't had a good snowball fight in months," he replies. "guess i've been snowed under all that work."

"Isn't your brother always calling you a slacker? You can't snow me," you reply.

He chuckles. "no, i really can't."

The sky is dark, and you're struck with a desire to see the sun, or the stars. It's just blank. When you look back over at where Sans was, he's gone. He really does want you to ask how he does that, you think.

When you continue, you meet the brothers standing in another clearing. There's a piece of paper halfway between you and them. 

"HUMAN! I HOPE YOU'RE READY FOR... SANS!! WHERE'S THE PUZZLE!!!"

"it's right there. on the ground," Sans says, nodding at the paper. "trust me. there's no way they can get past this one."

You pick it up. It's a word search. You study it for a moment. 

"But it's impossible to solve," you point out. "One of the words is misspelled."

"what? let me see," Sans says, walking over to you and taking the paper. You point to the offending word. "well, look at that. if it can't be solved, i guess the human wins." He hands the paper back, winking at you.

"SANS!!! THAT DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!"

"whoops. i knew i should have used today's crossword instead."

"WHAT!? CROSSWORD!? I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU SAID THAT!! IN MY OPINION... JUNIOR JUMBLE IS EASILY THE HARDEST."

"what? really, dude? that easy-peasy word scramble? that's for baby bones."

"UN. BELIEVABLE. HUMAN!!! SOLVE THIS DISPUTE!"

You vote that crosswords are harder. 

"YOU TWO ARE WEIRD! CROSSWORDS ARE SO EASY. IT'S THE SAME SOLUTION EVERY TIME. I JUST FILL ALL THE BOXES IN WITH THE LETTER "Z"... BECAUSE EVERY TIME I LOOK AT A CROSSWORD... ALL I CAN DO IS SNORE!!! NYEH HEH HEH!!!" He walks off, looking as if he's sure he's had the last word.

"papyrus... finds difficulty in interesting places," Sans says, smiling. "yesterday he got stumped trying to "solve" the horoscope."

You smile back. "Thanks for making a puzzle that wasn't designed to shock me."

"but one of the words was misspelled. isn't that shocking enough? puzzle quality control is getting worse and worse every day."

"Terrifying," you reply.

Sans salutes you as he walks off the way you came, and you keep going. There's a plate of frozen spaghetti and an unplugged microwave on a table, plus a note from Papyrus. It reads: HUMAN!! PLEASE ENJOY THIS SPAGHETTI. (LITTLE DO YOU KNOW, THIS SPAGHETTI IS A TRAP...) (DESIGNED TO ENTICE YOU!!!) (YOU'LL BE SO BUSY EATING IT...) (THAT YOU WON'T REALIZE THAT YOU AREN'T PROGRESSING!!) (THOROUGHLY JAPED AGAIN BY THE GREAT PAPYRUS!!!)  
NYEH-HEH-HEH,  
PAPYRUS

You can't help but laugh. Unfortunately, you can't heat it up, either, so you continue on.

A sign reads "Warning: Dog Marriage." There's a dog there that tries to attack you. But you pet it so much its head extends far into the sky, then back down. How does that even work? Guess this is a land of monsters after all.

You find a white square on the ground: snow, with a map drawn underneath it. Nearby is a row of spikes that halts your progress. While you're pondering the scene, three creatures attack you. Three on one is not good odds, and you're worried, but unwilling to hurt them, so you run at the first opportunity. Still, when the fight is over, you've been hurt. Your body is fine -- these soul battles don't leave a scratch on you -- but you can tell that your soul is weary. If you died, would you look like you'd had nothing worse than a bad scare? It doesn't bear thinking about. You sit down and have some of the Nice Cream. Are those claws natural? You contemplate your fingernails, smiling.

The map has an X on it, and you find an area that corresponds to it and search around. There's a switch there, which you flip, and you hear a clanking noise. Back at the beginning, the spikes are gone. But when you go past them, two other dogs block your progress. Oh, but they're so cute! You can't help but pet them. They distrust you, and - feeling more than a little silly -- you roll around on the snow, hoping to disguise your human scent. Now they think you're a puppy and allow you to pet them. Feeling a little self-conscious and in need of a shower, you move along.

There's a puzzle there that isn't hard to solve. When you're done, Papyrus shows up. "WHAT?! HOW DID YOU AVOID MY TRAP? AND, MORE IMPORTANTLY... IS THERE ANY LEFT FOR ME???"

"I couldn't heat it up," you tell him sheepishly.

"WELL... THAT'S FINE. LATER ON, I, MASTER CHEF PAPYRUS... WILL MAKE YOU ALL THE PASTA YOU COULD EVER WANT! HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH NYEH!"

"I'd like that," you tell him. "All of this adventuring in the snow is making me hungry." 

You follow him to another clearing, where he says "MY BROTHER STARTED A SOCK COLLECTION RECENTLY. HOW SADDENING... SOMETIMES I WONDER WHAT HE WOULD DO... WITHOUT SUCH A COOL GUY TAKING CARE OF HIM??? NYEH HEH HEH!"

"He's lucky to have you," you agree, smiling. "You two compliment each other well."

"THANK YOU, HUMAN! I WOULD NOT HAVE EXPECTED SUCH PERCEPTION FROM ONE OF YOUR KIND."

Up ahead is another puzzle. "HUMAN!" Papyrus calls out, running up behind you. " HMMM... HOW DO I SAY THIS... YOU WERE TAKING A LONG TIME TO ARRIVE, SO... I DECIDED TO IMPROVE THIS PUZZLE... BY ARRANGING THE SNOW TO LOOK MORE LIKE MY FACE. UNFORTUNATELY, THE SNOW FROZE TO THE GROUND. NOW THE SOLUTION IS DIFFERENT! AND, AS USUAL, MY LAZY BROTHER IS NOWHERE AROUND. I SUPPOSE WHAT I AM SAYING IS... WORRY NOT, HUMAN! I, THE GREAT PAPYRUS, WILL SOLVE THIS CONUNDRUM! THEN WE CAN BOTH PROCEED! MEANWHILE, FEEL FREE TO TRY THE PUZZLE YOURSELF. I'LL TRY NOT TO GIVE AWAY THE ANSWER!!!"

You give it a shot; it's more difficult than the last one. When you talk to him, he says "WELL... I'VE BEEN LOOKING AT THE PUZZLE... AND I THINK THE SOLUTION... IS TO TURN ALL OF THE X'S INTO O'S! YOU SHOULD TRY THAT! ASK AGAIN FOR MORE GREAT HINTS!"

"I'll keep that in mind," you tell him dryly.

But on your second try you get it. Papyrus is very impressed.  
"WOW!! YOU SOLVED IT! MY ADVICE HELPED! IT REALLY HELPED YOU!! INCREDIBLE! I'M IMPRESSED! YOU MUST CARE ABOUT PUZZLES LIKE I DO! WELL, I'M SURE YOU'LL LOVE THE NEXT PUZZLE THEN! IT MIGHT EVEN BE TOO EASY FOR YOU!! NYEH! HEH HEH! HEHEHEH!!!"

Sans is waiting for you at the end. "good job on solving it so quickly. you didn't even need my help. which is great, 'cause i love doing absolutely nothing."

"How many more puzzles are there?" you ask.

"how long until you have to fight my brother, you mean?" he replies. He guessed what you were thinking. You nod. "not many. but you'll be all right."

Soon, you find them standing on the other side of some sort of grid. Papyrus lights up when he sees you. "HEY! IT'S THE HUMAN! YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS PUZZLE! IT WAS MADE BY THE GREAT DR. ALPHYS! YOU SEE THESE TILES!? ONCE I THROW THIS SWITCH... THEY WILL BEGIN TO CHANGE COLOR! EACH COLOR HAS A DIFFERENT FUNCTION! RED TILES ARE IMPASSABLE! YOU CANNOT WALK ON THEM! YELLOW TILES ARE ELECTRIC! THEY WILL ELECTROCUTE YOU! GREEN TILES ARE ALARM TILES! IF YOU STEP ON THEM... YOU WILL HAVE TO FIGHT A MONSTER! ORANGE TILES ARE ORANGE-SCENTED. THEY WILL MAKE YOU SMELL DELICIOUS! BLUE TILES ARE WATER TILES. SWIM THROUGH IF YOU LIKE, BUT... IF YOU SMELL LIKE ORANGES! THE PIRANHAS WILL BITE YOU. ALSO, IF A BLUE TILE IS NEXT TO A, YELLOW TILE, THE WATER WILL ALSO ZAP YOU! PURPLE TILES ARE SLIPPERY! YOU WILL SLIDE TO THE NEXT TILE! HOWEVER, THE SLIPPERY SOAP... SMELLS LIKE LEMONS! WHICH PIRANHAS DO NOT LIKE! PURPLE AND BLUE ARE OK! FINALLY, PINK TILES. THEY DON'T DO ANYTHING. STEP ON THEM ALL YOU LIKE. HOW WAS THAT!? UNDERSTAND???"

You shake your head. 

"OKAY... I GUESS I'LL REPEAT MYSELF... RED TILES ARE IMPASSABLE. YELLOW TILES ARE ELECTRIC AND DANGEROUS. BLUE TILES MAKE YOU FIGHT A MONSTER. GREEN TILES ARE WATER TILES. ORANGE TILES ARE ORANGE SCENTED. IF YOU STEP ON ORANGE, DON'T STEP ON GREEN. BROWN TILES ARE... WAIT!!! THERE ARE NO BROWN TILES... PURPLE TILES SMELL LIKE LEMONS... WHY DON'T THE YELLOW ONES SMELL LEMONY? UM... WAIT!! DID I MIX UP GREEN AND BLUE!? THE BLUE ONES ARE WATER ONES! PINK TILES... I DON'T... REMEMBER??? WAIT!!! THOSE ONES DON'T DO ANYTHING. OKAY! DO YOU UNDERSTAND BETTER NOW!?"

You feel decidedly less than OK about this puzzle. But you catch Sans winking at you, and you nod. "I'm ready."

"GREAT!! THEN THERE'S ONE LAST THING... THIS PUZZLE... IS ENTIRELY RANDOM!!!!!! WHEN I PULL THIS SWITCH, IT WILL MAKE A PUZZLE... THAT HAS NEVER BEEN SEEN BEFORE! NOT EVEN I WILL KNOW THE SOLUTION! NYEH HEH HEH! GET READY...!"

The floor lights up in different colors. Sans continues to watch you, perhaps amused by the expression on your face. The colors speed up, blinking madly, then settle into a pattern... of pink bordered by red.

Papyrus staggers away as you walk casually over the pink tiles.

"god, the look on your face," Sans says, grinning wickedly at you.

"Did you know it was going to do that?"

He just shrugs, then continues "actually, that spaghetti from earlier... it wasn't too bad for my brother. since he started cooking lessons, he's been improving a lot. i bet if he keeps it up, next year he'll even make something edible."

"He said he'd make me some."

"might want to give him a few months of practice first."

He pads off in his slippers, and you continue the other way. There's a bunch of snow-dogs, all with long necks that got broken off. 

There was another puzzle there, a combination of the X puzzles and the ice puzzles. You messed up, and slid right off the edge, landing in a snowdrift. Nearby is a papyrus-shaped snowman, and a lump of ice labeled "Sans." Something about the scene makes you smile.

Once you figure out the puzzle, you go through a long, narrow path. Snow from the trees above collects on your head.

You head down a hill, and Sans is there at the end of the path. "what's up?" he asks. 

"Just trying to get to the end," you say.

"don't let me stop you," he says, and you walk off.

He's there as you continue. "are you following me?"

"How are you doing that?" you ask, your curiosity pushed to the limit.

"yeah, you're following me," he says, grinning.

"You're changing the subject," you say sternly, but he only keeps grinning.

Finally, you were attacked by a creepy monster with stuff piled on it. All the stuff made you feel kind of sad, and you started to take it off. It worked - it ran away when it'd been fixed up properly.

There was a cave, and you went inside. But there was nothing there but a door you couldn't open.

When you left, Sans is gone. You backtrack and keep going east.  
There's a bunch of lumps of snow there, plus a tiny doghouse. One of the snow puffs turns into a dog; this one gets petted too. Dog monsters, it seems, are not all that different from dog dogs.

You find what looks like a long, rickety rope bridge, although when you put a foot on it, it feels strangely solid. As you cross, you see Papyrus and Sans on the other side, watching you. 

"HUMAN!" Papyrus greets you. "THIS IS YOUR FINAL AND MOST DANGEROUS CHALLENGE! BEHOLD! THE GAUNTLET OF DEADLY TERROR!" The bridge is surrounded by several deadly weapons, plus a dog. You take a step back, eyeing them. "WHEN I SAY THE WORD, IT WILL FULLY ACTIVATE! CANNONS WILL FIRE! SPIKES WILL SWING! BLADES WILL SLICE! EACH PART WILL SWING VIOLENTLY UP AND DOWN! ONLY THE TINIEST CHANCE OF VICTORY WILL REMAIN! ARE YOU READY? BECAUSE! I! AM! ABOUT! TO DO IT!"

You wait, your fingers wrapped tightly around the rope.

"well?" Sans asks. "what's the holdup?"

"HOLDUP!? WHAT HOLDUP!? I'M... I'M ABOUT TO ACTIVATE IT NOW!"

Nothing happens. Papyrus is looking at you with guilt on his face.

"that, uh, doesn't look very activated."

"WELL!!! THIS CHALLENGE!!! IT SEEMS... MAYBE... TOO EASY TO DEFEAT THE HUMAN WITH. YEAH! WE CAN'T USE THIS ONE!!! I AM A SKELETON WITH STANDARDS!!! MY PUZZLES ARE VERY FAIR! AND MY TRAPS ARE EXPERTLY COOKED! BUT THIS METHOD IS TOO DIRECT! NO CLASS AT ALL! AWAY IT GOES!"

The weapons vanish.

"PHEW! WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT? THIS WAS ANOTHER DECISIVE VICTORY FOR PAPYRUS!! NYEH!! HEH!! ...HEH???" Papyrus scurries off, but Sans waits for you as you cross the bridge. "i don't know what my brother's going to do now. if i were you, i would make sure i understand blue attacks."

"Got it," you say. "Thank you for the tip. Hey -- is that a town over there?" You point, but when you look back at him, he's gone.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope this eases the pain of the A Puzzle Just For Me hiatus to some extent! As you can see, it really is very rough, but I enjoy it anyway. 
> 
> Part of why I posted it is that one of the most depressing things about writing APJFM is when people compare their own writing to it, and feel badly about themselves. That breaks my heart! I want you to see that I started with this derivative, flimsy story that I wrote just for my own amusement. I’m not fishing for compliments, I’m just saying that this flawed story led to places I never could have imagined when I first sat down, told myself ‘No one will ever read this, so it doesn’t matter if I write something ridiculous’ and started writing.
> 
> Again, my main contribution to the Undertale fandom is [A Puzzle Just For Me](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6776461/chapters/15487282), which is an explicit BDSM self-insert fic with a surprisingly complex story. When Papyrus’ death at the hands of the anomaly isn’t reset away, Sans becomes unhinged, and the path he takes to deal with his pain leads to his meeting you at the lowest point in your life. Feel free to check it out, but please be aware that it is really QUITE explicit compared to this fic. After 67 chapters, I am on hiatus from it while I write out the rest of the story. I've also started posting [bonus material for it, mostly imported from tumblr](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21663103).
> 
> I can be found at [neroli9.tumblr.com](http://neroli9.tumblr.com/%22) or at the [APJFM Discord](https://discord.gg/sVFv8ft), which is for fans who are 18 or over.


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